


The 'Cold' Affair

by Avirra



Series: Man from U.N.C.L.E - Sound & Dialogue [3]
Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-09 00:44:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1962513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avirra/pseuds/Avirra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baby, it's cold outside and the boys are stuck in it with no relief in sight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The 'Cold' Affair

"Napoleon?"

"uhm?"

"Napoleon! Wake up!"

_grumbling_

"What's this? Payback for all the times I've woken you up?"

"If you like. However, I hardly think trying to keep you alive is the equivalent of early morning debates on philosophy."

"Sorry. Guess I'm being snappish. I'm just so damn cold."

"I know, tovarich. I know. So am I."

_rustle_

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Taking off my jacket. We will wrap it around your legs to help you conserve more heat."

"The hell we will – put that back on now. That's an order."

"You are doing it again."

"Huh? Doing what?"

"What you are always claiming that you do not do. Pulling rank."

"Oh. I suppose I am. And I still am. Put your jacket back on. Stop that."

"Sorry, tovarich. This time I outrank you."

"And how exactly have you come up with that?"

"Very good. Getting angry seems to be warming your blood somewhat. And I outrank you by rights of mobility. You cannot walk. I can. Therefore, if we are to find a shelter, I must be the one to find it."

"Illya, that's suicide. You'll freeze to death walking around out here without your jacket."

"I will keep moving to keep me warm for as long as I am able. If I am not able to find us a shelter before the winds pick back up again, it will make little difference. We will both freeze any way. At least this way, there is a chance. I cannot just allow us both to die when I might be able to prevent it."

"Illya…"

"Shh… moï dorogoï drug. You know that I am right."

"I know. But I don't have to like it."

"Just stay awake for me. I will not be gone long."

"You'd better not be."

_crunching snow_

"Damn stubborn Russian. You make me lose my best friend, I'll never forgive you."

_sigh_

"Napoleon! Wake up, damn you!"

_slap_

"ow..."

"Napoleon. Open your eyes."

"Illya?"

"No - Baba Yaga."

_soft Russian cursing_

"Do not scare me like that. Did I not tell you to stay awake?"

"I **was** awake... or... well, I thought I was awake. Guess I was dreaming that."

_additional Russian cursing_

"My God, Illya... you're practically blue."

"Something new I thought I would try. Matching my skin tone to my eyes. Now if you are quite awake, I would sincerely like my jacket back so that we can get moving."

"You found something."

"It is not much, but we should both fit. It will block the wind at the very least and keep us from losing so much of our body warmth."

"Get the jacket back on. Your teeth are chattering."

"I am trying... my fingers are not so co-operative right now."

"Come here. Let me do that. Give me your hands. No sign of frostbite yet at least."

"A small favor for which I am thankful. I hate to have to ask you to walk, but I cannot carry you, tovarich."

"I know. I think I can if you're helping support me... no, I know I can. We don't have any other options."

"No, we do not. Come along then."

_grunting_

"I hope this place you found isn't far. For your sake."

"Less talking and more walking as you once told me in the desert."

"That does sound like something I'd say."

"It was. I believe I called you a slave-driver, if you would care to return the favor."

"Maybe later after we warm up. Some rotted branches over there…. wonder if they're dry enough to make a fire with?"

"Perhaps. I will come back and check once you are in the burrow."

"Don't be crazy. You're about to fall over now. Let's at least go ahead and see if it's worth trying to come back for."

"I would argue the point, but I believe you may be correct. Hm. Definitely rotted. Not much snow on them. Must have fallen recently. Yes. They might work."

"Shouldn't we take it now?"

_sigh_

"Napoleon… as much as I would like not to make another trip, I simply cannot both support you and carry wood."

"Right… sorry. Bad idea. Let's go. Whoa! Hey, you're supposed to be the one supporting me, remember?"

"I remember, however my body is currently angry with me. Sorry, tovarich. I will try not to do that again."

"You'd better not."

"Do not start trying to order me around again, Napoleon."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Threatening is in another category."

"Ah. Alright. Threats I will let slide. Especially as I have doubts of your ability to carry them out at this time."

"Russians."

"Americans."

"Are we there yet?"

"Now you are sounding like a three year old. But it is only a little further. There. We are here."

"Cozy. Add a few curtains and it would be downright homey."

"If I had a few curtains, I would set them on fire."

"Tsk. No appreciation for the finer things."

"I would argue that. At the moment, I can think of nothing finer than being warm."

"Point taken, You know, you think pretty fast on your feet when they're frozen."

"I think you are lucky that I do not currently have the energy to puzzle out whether or not I have just been insulted. Here. Get as far to the back as you can."

"No, that's your position. At least until your lips quit matching your eye color."

"Not yet. I am going back for wood, remember?"

"That was before your legs folded under you. Illya... please. You won't make it there and back."

"What choice is there? Besides, I am the stubborn Russian. I will make it back just to prove you wrong. And then you will owe me another breakfast."

"Breakfast, lunch and dinner."

"Do not think I will not remember that. I think there are leaf litter and twigs that have been blown into there. See if you can gather enough for kindling. Your fingers are still working - it will be up to you to make a fire out of whatever I can bring back. Loan me your belt. I will use it to bundle the wood."

_snow crunching_

_scraping_

"Come on out, you stubborn rock... ah.. there we go."

_thud_

"Hey! Careful there! You al... Illya? Damn..."

"Give... give me a moment. My body is angry at me again."

"Let me shove the wood out of the way. Give me your hands, I'll pull, you do whatever you can to help. There we go. Back behind me. I'll get the fire going. And my turn to tell you not to go to sleep."

"I sh-sh-should have no worries. You have pl-plenty of pr-pr-practice at keeping me awake."

"Quit trying to talk while your teeth are chattering. You're going to bite your tongue. Alright wind... cooperate. There... nothing like a signal fire, but I think if we're careful with it, you got us enough wood to..."

"Does not matter... tovarich. They are not.. coming."

"What do you mean they aren't coming? Hey... easy, partner. Hang on - I've got some rocks by the fire heating up. Be like little hot water bottles soon and when they cool, we'll reheat them. I'll work the cover off my canteen, it's metal. I'll put it over here and we can at least have some warm water to drink. That will help warm up your insides some. Okay... not hot, but we couldn't drink it hot anyway. Just relax and let me help you with this, Illya. There we go. Short sips. Better?"

"Better. Yes. The local bureau head... said he will not send his people out after a pair of bodies in the winter that they can retrieve in the spring."

"That son of a... he sure holds a grudge."

"Next time, perhaps you should check before turning on the charm."

"How was I supposed to know that was his daughter?"

"The same last name might have been considered a clue."

"Over half the people in his offices had the same last name."

"Obviously he believes nepotism is a good thing."

"Obviously. So... we're basically screwed."

"A not-so-subtle irony that we begin and end this mission with someone being scr..."

"Don't even go there, partner. Of all the American slang for you to actually remember."

_chuckle_

_other chuckle joining in_

"You know what, Napoleon?"

"What's that, tovarich?"

"I think we will have to find a way to survive this just to annoy him."

"I'm all for that. Any ideas?"

"Not yet, but the warmth is starting to thaw my brains some. Perhaps something will occur to us."

"What are the odds of our backup finding us?"

"If they are waiting for the bureau head to give them details? Rather slim. Then again, both April and Mark have been known to, shall we say, circumvent local authority on occasion."

"Shocking."

"Indeed.  I cannot imagine who they might have picked that bad habit up from."

"You know, Illya, we're probably horrible examples. I mean, look at us. All determined to survive just to make hell for someone supposedly on our side."

"We were not exactly rolling over to die before, my friend. And besides, he started it."

"Now who sounds like a three year old?"

"Well, he did. After all, you do have a certain… reputation that precedes you. Any sensible father would have sent his daughter to a convent."

"No, he wouldn't have done that. My reputation now includes running off with a nun from the Vatican."

"That was me."

"I know that and you know that, but the rumor mill grinds on. And you did look adorable in that habit."

"The real reason I was picked for that mission. I look very good in black."

"True. Ah – nice to see your lip and eye color no longer match. You found a good spot for us. Little fire warms it up nicely. Why don't we take turns and get a little rest? You first. Your fingers need the swelling to go down some before you can tend the fire."

"Alright. When I have rested some, I can get more wood. How is your leg?"

"Painful, but not seeing or feeling any signs of infection. You did a good job cleaning it out."

"You know what they say. Practice makes perfect. And I have had plenty of first-aid practice since becoming your partner."

"Same back at you, pal. I'd say we were accident prone if it wasn't for all the people that keep shooting at us. Here.. let's get a couple of the rocks behind your back and we'll wrap this one to keep with your hands."

"Ah.. that helps. Stings a little, but in a good way. Wake me before dark. I would rather get the wood while there is enough light to see by."

"I will."

_yawn_

"Must you always ruffle my hair?"

"Must your hair always look like it needs to be ruffled?"

_soft chuckle_

_snore_

_sigh_

"Someday I need you to teach me that trick of yours, tovarich. I guess where you grew up, you learned the hard way to take rest like you did food. Grab what you could when you could."

_distant rumble_

"Illya…"

"Uhm? How long have I been asleep?"

"Little over an hour I'd guess, but we might have company. I can hear an engine. Possibly two."

"Think T.H.R.U.S.H. might have found the agents that attacked us?"

"Possibly. Wouldn't be hard for them to track us. No fresh snow since we made our way from there."

"Cannot be helped. I hate to advise killing the fire. It might be hard to start again."

"As you said. Can't be helped. I think I can keep some embers alive over here. Those won't be spotted."

"Good idea. My fingers are still a bit stiff, but I should be able to use my gun."

"If it comes to a shootout, try to avoid whatever it is they're driving. Be a lot better way out of here than hiking."

_engine noises_

"They can't be far, luv. Unless the local bad birds flushed them out and took them."

"Am I hearing what I want to or did that sound like Mark?"

"I heard him as well. Let me work past you."

"Over there, Mark. I see Illya!"

"You two are a welcome sight. Give me a hand with Napoleon. He took a bullet in his leg."

"We figured one of you had taken a hit when we saw the blood on the snow. We need to hustle, lads – bad storm is forecast to be hitting tonight."

"We certainly have no desire to linger, Mark. By the way, not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but how did you know we were in trouble out here?"

_soft laugh_

"If the local head wants to interfere with his daughter's love life, he needs to get her a job somewhere else than communications. She overheard what he told Illya and she contacted us. We got here as quickly as we could. Had to dodge a couple of T.H.R.U.S.H. along the way."

"Very kind of her, April. I must buy that lady dinner. After I've fulfilled my obligations to you, of course, partner of mine."

"You owe Illya dinner?"

"And breakfast and lunch. I told you I would remember."

"Never doubted you would."


End file.
